Dawson Filter As He Relates To Nothing


Babe Listowel opened the trunk of his van, releasing the bears held within. Dawson Filter slid the Sword of Patrick from its denim hilt, brandishing it at his side. Sylvester Denny was also there.

Sylvester Denny walked forward. He pulled out a tape measure from his North-East pocket.

“Thirty feet by forty-five!” he called out to the others, “And it looks about seventy high.”

Dawson Filter nodded, positioning his sword in a good way. Babe Listowel herded the bears.

Two of the bears were eliminated from “The Exhaustive List of Things That Exist: Revised Edition”, by Thermal Derdict.

“Blasts!” exclaimed Babe Listowel, “How can I evenly distribute fifty bears around four corners?”

Dawson Filter, being a rocket scientist, knew that Babe’s problem was unsolvable. He also knew, from being himself and making his own way in life, that problems, when unsolvable, can often be changed.

Dawson Filter called out to Babe, “I’ll cut off one of the corners, and it’ll all be as alright as it’s going to get.”

“No!” Babe cried, “Then I’ll only have three corners left, and fifty divided by three is sixteen-point-six-repeated! You’d have to cut off another corner after that to get a number fifty could be evenly distributed by, and by then it would surely be too late!”

“Trust me! This will work! This has to work.”

Dawson ran, releasing a battle cry. Seven bears swarmed to join thirteen others. They grouped themselves into tens. The plan had worked, if only for the time being.

Babe Listowel smiled a mouth of approval at Dawson Filter, pleasantly surprised by the state of geometry. He whistled, clapped, made assorted guttural noises, and set off a signal flare, signaling the bears to attack. The bears politely complied.

When the bears could desolate no longer, they no longer desolated. Dawson Filter drew his sword for a final blow. And it was raining. Stupid circumstances.

The Quest Committee retreated to Babe Listowel’s van for debriefing. As the Sun began to rise, they agreed to drive back to the office to file the day’s events. Dawson Filter just hoped the filing wouldn’t “drag on” too long. He was not disappointed.

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The life and times of Dawson Filter.

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