Dawson Filter as He Relates to Wheat

On his way home from a place one day, Sylvester Denny’s hat fell from his head.

“Oh great,” he said, “now what do I have to live for?”

But the story doesn’t end there.

He turned around to return to the place mentioned in sentence 1. On his way turning around, he saw Dawson Filter, a person.

Dawson Filter waved to Sylvester Denny, prompting Sylvester Denny to say “Hello.”

“Fancy meeting you here,” Dawson Filter said.

Seeing that Dawson Filter intended to pursue a conversation, Sylvester Denny turned back around to face the path to his house, where he and Dawson Filter could converse with style. Dawson Filter slipped on the hat, shattering his humerus.

Meanwhile, in the future:

Dawson Filter and Sylvester Denny arrived at Sylvester Denny’s house. Sylvester Denny handed Dawson Filter a clump of frozen wheat to reduce the swelling in his arm wound. He showed Dawson the house’s furniture. He had recently had a prolonged business trip to Murderville, Nevada. Fortunately, there was time travel involved, so burglars only had opportunity to steal a few of Sylvester’s couches and a handful of nightstands.

“Never mind the furniture that I’m currently showing you,” said Sylvester Denny, “we’ve got business to attend to.”

For all you grammar puritans reading at home, Sylvester Denny’s sentence roughly translates to “Never mind the furniture that I’m currently showing you; we’ve got business to which to attend.

Sylvester Denny and Dawson Filter began to make a new hat for Sylvester. It had to be large enough to fit around Sylvester’s head; but small enough that no one would ever ask to borrow it. It couldn’t be too hot or too cold, and couldn’t have inward-facing spikes. It had to be good without being too bad. It couldn’t be a dead goat. It had to be high enough to reach the top of Sylvester’s head, but not so high as to float above it. It had to be right side up in order not to break Sylvester Denny’s neck. It had to be the kind of hat that heads have.

Dawson Filter and Sylvester Denny looked around the room. Dawson Filter, having the superior vision of the two, spotted a needle in a grape on Sylvester’s table. He handed the needle to Sylvester. Beginning to sew, Sylvester Denny noticed that he didn’t have any fabric.

“Aaaaaargh,” he thought. He should have salvaged the fabric from his first hat.

“What about that?” Dawson Filter said, pointing to a teabag. After walking over to it, he ripped it open, letting the tea fall to the ground. He hoped that without the tea, ‘that’ would transform into a hat. It was a long shot.

“Huzzah!” Sylvester Denny exclaimed, “It’s perfect! I knew I was right to buy giant cloth teabags. We can use that for the base of the hat. If we could only find a brim-”

“Good news, ” Dawson Filter said, “the tea fell into this pot of boiling water and is now brimming with flavour.”

Sylvester Denny dipped the bag in the tea, nearly transforming it into a hat. All it needed was a feather.

Sylvester Denny remembered back to earlier that day when he’d ruffled the feathers of everyone who’d had the misfortune of overhearing his grammatically terrible sentence. Looking into his hand, he saw that one of the feather’s had stuck to him. Plucking himself, he stuck the feather into the wet bag. It was a hat and all was well.


12 thoughts on “Dawson Filter as He Relates to Wheat”

  1. I had no idea that putting on a hat is so dangerous. I need to review my hat-wearing protocols; I do want to fall into such an un-humorous state as Dawson Filter.


        1. I think there should be a comma after “Liberated”. As it is, it sounds like my butt was “liberated”. It wasn’t. I never had a butt…because I’m a skull.


          1. Cranium,

            I don’t know much about your butt or the lack thereof, but I believe I have a solution to your scalp quandry. Recently, I have been experimenting with various forms of water buffalo butchery and I find myself with a constant surplus of water buffalo scalps. I believe you know what I am getting at, here. You would just need to find yourself a disreputable surgeon to perform the graft. If you want, I could even throw in a pair of horns. You’d be the coolest abomination on the block.

            Let me know if you are interested.


      1. Boneless water buffalo? That’s perfect! I’ve working on a water buffalo-wrapped flamingo tenderloin recipe. The biggest barrier has been the time it takes to debone an entire water buffalo. A boneless water buffalo would be an answer to my prayers. Can you make me another of those special hats of yours? I will compensate you handsomely for your efforts.


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