Dawson Filter as He Relates to Dragons


Babe Listowel opened the trunk of his van, releasing the bears held within. Dawson Filter slid the Sword of Patrick from its denim hilt, brandishing it at his side. Sylvester Denny was also there. In addition to to those already mentioned, a dragon was present. I haven’t mentioned any of the other dragons present over the course of this story, but this particular dragon gives what I feel is necessary context to the actions of Sylvester Denny, Dawson Filter, and Babe Listowel in this chapter of their life story. I have created a version of this chapter that does not mention the dragon if you would like to dispute this view, available here.

Sylvester Denny approached the base of the dragon. He pulled out a tape measure from his North-East pocket to check the dragon’s dimensions.

“Thirty feet by forty-five!” he called out to the others, “And it looks about seventy high.”

Dawson Filter nodded, squaring his sword with the dragon’s front face. Babe Listowel herded the bears around the beast, stationing thirteen at each corner.

The magic dragon puffed a ball of flame, eliminating two of the bears from “The Exhaustive List of Things That Exist: Revised Edition”, by Thermal Derdict.

“Blasts!” exclaimed Babe Listowel, “How can I evenly distribute fifty bears around four corners?”

Dawson Filter, being a rocket scientist, knew that Babe’s problem was unsolvable. He also knew, from being himself and making his own way in life, that problems, when unsolvable, can often be changed. By cutting off one of the dragon’s corners, he would create two new ones, giving five corners around which to distribute the fifty remaining bears.

Dawson Filter called out to Babe, “I’ll cut off one of the corners, and it’ll all be as alright as it’s going to get.”

“No!” Babe cried, “Then I’ll only have three corners left, and fifty divided by three is sixteen-point-six-repeated! You’d have to cut off another corner after that to get a number fifty could be evenly distributed by, and by then it would surely be too late!”

“Trust me! This will work! This has to work.”

Dawson ran to one of the dragon’s corners, releasing a battle cry. He sheared off the verticy, and seven bears swarmed to join the thirteen already positioned by the two new corners. They grouped themselves into tens, and stationed themselves by each corner. The plan had worked, if only for the time being.

Babe Listowel smiled a mouth of approval at Dawson Filter, pleasantly surprised by the state of geometry. He whistled, clapped, made assorted guttural noises, and set off a signal flare, signaling the bears to attack. The bears politely complied, and so the desolation of the nameless dragon began.

When the bears could desolate no longer, they no longer desolated. Dawson Filter drew his sword for a final blow, which he planned to issue to the dragon’s now rounded left side. The creature had been reduced to twenty seven feet by thirty eight by fifty one. Less than half of its original mass, the dragon had seen better days. It had been slowly deteriorating for a few years, and the bears certainly didn’t help matters. And it was raining. Stupid circumstances. Dawson thrust the blade into the dragon, thereby rendering it legally slain. It disintegrated into dark granules, and began submit to the wind’s distribution across Nebraska.

The Quest Committee retreated to Babe Listowel’s van for debriefing. As the Sun began to rise, they agreed to drive back to the office to file the day’s events. Dawson Filter just hoped the filing wouldn’t “drag on” too long. He was not disappointed.

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5 thoughts on “Dawson Filter as He Relates to Dragons”

    1. So we meet again, “Worzelodd”, if that is your real name. I thought I saw you at the ol’ stop a few years back. But what do I know? I’m just a “delusional Scottish snake with knobby knees and one too few hearts”, right? I never should have turned my back during that magic show.

      You’ve given me something to live for, Worzel. Revenge.

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      1. And you know what else, Brad? I’ll tell you what else, Brad. “Worzelodd” does not properly appreciate beets. What kind of monster hates Brads and beets? Won’t someone please think of the children and stop this madman?!

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