Dawson Filter, who had eyelids, opened his eyes. His eyelids were cooperative; but then, if he hadn’t had eyelids, his eyes wouldn’t have been closed in the first place.
Before these eyes stood Sylvester Denny, a person if I ever saw one. Dawson noted that Sylvester was standing in a hospital, and extrapolated that he was also in a hospital, likely the same one.
“What happened?” asked Dawson, in the way that he did.
“You were punched in the stomach.” began Sylvester, “You said that you didn’t feel well, so offered to drive you home. On our way there, we found out that there were other cars on the road, several of which hit us. An ambulance arrived to take you away, but it was struck by a meteorite while it was peeling out. Fortunately, you were the only one injured, but you needed to be escorted out of the wreckage in an airplane, because a fireman who was bad at things thought your head needed to be elevated. This plane was then in a ground-related crash.”
“How bad is it?”
“Your attention span will be shorter for a few weeks, because of the snake-bites you got on the plane; and your ribs have been replaced with copper. Other than that, the doctors expect you to be grieving for some time, but you’ve been accepted into Therapeutic Paws of Canada‘s Bears for Sad People program.”
“I deny that I’m grieving, and I’m a bit angry that no one consulted me about the bear thing. I think what I really need right now is just a tongue depressor and a good book. Those bears do sound like a bargain, though. I accept.”
“That is convenient, given that the bears are waiting for us in a van with Babe Listowel. Hank the Embezzler already payed your injury bills, so we can leave anytime, except for in the past and after we die.”
“I am currently pleased due to all of my happiness. Let’s leave now.”
“Silly Dawson, that was two seconds ago. Let’s leave now.”
Dawson and Sylvester used their legs to walk out of the hospital. After this transpired, they were out of the hospital. Sylvester snapped his fingers, opening the van door for Dawson to climb inside. Sylvester followed, and Babe Listowel did the stuff that makes vans go places.
As the trio drove, they began to feel the van begin to slow. Of the three, only Babe Listowel knew why: he had placed his foot on the brake. The others had no way of knowing this, of course, as Babe was also the only one in the van who could read minds. This is a condition called Listowel Syndrome, named after Babe Listowel, who had the only known case. It is believed to exist exclusively in fictional characters, being caused by 457 extra chromosomes allowing one to read the subtext of one’s own story. There is some scepticism within the scientific community about the existence of the genetic variation, as the only person ever to have written on the flantsiky is (name redacted), who seems to think that “flantsiky” is a real word.
“I can tell from your minds” said Babe, “that you’re wondering why the van has stopped. This is because I have determined, via my instincts, that if we slay enough dragons, then we shall, in all probability, be rewarded with the knowledge of the True Meaning of Feelings, thus completing our quest and otherwise generally improving our quality of life. As we have recently obtained a van-load of bears, and a man with a sword from the future, in tandem with the fact that a dragon stands before our van at present, I believe that now is a relatively awesome time to start.”
Not all of the reasons Babe Listowel had given to slay the dragon made any sense to Dawson. Nevertheless, he was his peer, and so Dawson Filter felt obligated to do exactly as Babe Listowel suggested.
Will this prove to be a wise decision? Find out next week, or by guessing.